Jell-O In A Blender
by Red Witch
Summary: Mallory schemes to keep a more stable grip on high society. But her agents as well as her own temper work against her.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone off somewhere. It's also impatient about the new season arriving. So to kill time I came up with this bit of madness. Why Mallory's social life is like…**

 **Jell-O In A Blender**

"All right come on in. Come in. I have good news for once," Mallory called out to her staff as they entered her office. "I'm not opening the office tomorrow so don't bother to come in and mess the place up."

"We're having a long weekend! Yaayyy!" Pam jumped up and down clapping her hands.

"Pam stop jumping up and down like a deranged three year old!" Mallory snapped. "You'll break the floor again."

"That only happened when I was riding a pogo stick!" Pam stopped. "That Krieger made."

"I don't care," Mallory groaned.

"Technically I broke a floor and a celling depending on where you were standing," Pam went on.

"Still don't care," Mallory growled.

"And I probably would have broken the office record for riding on a pogo stick if you counted those twenty five minutes I was stuck…" Pam went on.

"Pam! What part about me not caring do you **not** understand?" Mallory snapped.

"I just have interesting stores," Pam shrugged.

"You have disturbing stories," Cyril groaned.

"Can we move off of this and find out exactly **why** Mallory is closing the office tomorrow?" Lana sighed. "Even though I have a sneaking suspicion I just opened myself up as a witness for the prosecution."

"I like that movie," Archer said.

"What?" Lana gave him a look.

"Witness for the Prosecution," Archer said. "Agatha Christie can really put out a good mystery."

"Not as good as the mystery of why I still employ all you idiots!" Mallory growled.

"Because you can't **get** anyone better!" Cheryl said impatiently. "Jesus! I've only explained this to you like a bazillion times!"

"More like Witless for the Prosecution…" Archer quipped.

"I'm just…" Mallory let out a breath of frustration. "If you must know…"

"Not really," Archer interrupted.

"Shut up!" Mallory snapped. "Tomorrow I am going to a very exclusive luncheon put on by Catherine Haines in her suburban mansion in Connecticut."

"Isn't that the rich bitch who makes Martha Stewart look like a slacker?" Pam asked.

"Yes," Mallory sighed. "She's also been in Australia promoting some kind of hand cream line or face cream line for the past two years. Some kind of beauty product that her company's come up with. Basically this is a 'I'm back from Australia and it's time to reclaim my New York Society Connections' party."

"Is there going to be a slideshow?" Pam asked.

"Only in my mind as I have to manage somehow to keep from falling asleep during one of her self-congratulatory speeches," Mallory grumbled. "Anyway she's only inviting the best of the best and as luck would have it I was invited. And even better, Trudy Beekman isn't coming."

"You were invited and Trudy Beekman **wasn't?"** Archer asked.

"Oh she was invited but she can't make it," Mallory said. "She has to go to a funeral tomorrow. Unfortunately not hers."

"How did **you** get an invitation? I thought your standing in high society was lower than an ant's belly button?" Ray asked.

"It wasn't **that** low," Mallory stiffened. "I admit it was slightly precarious until recently. Thanks to what happened with her highness Millicent Milver, one of the wealthiest and most prestigious women in New York."

"What happened?" Archer asked. "They find some kind of skeleton in her closet?"

"Not as much her closet as her deep freezer," Mallory shrugged. "She murdered her second husband for the insurance. And her third."

"Oh my God!" Lana gasped.

"Jesus," Ray winced.

"I know. Rookie mistake," Mallory shrugged. "What was she **thinking** keeping the bodies in her mansion?"

"Not everyone has a guy who knows how to dismantle a corpse Mother," Archer groaned.

"Almost killed her fourth but he ran to the cops and blabbed like Pam loaded with tequila," Mallory said. "Apparently he helped kill the third husband too. She's also being investigated for insurance fraud so…Long story short. Guess who got re-invited back to the Spring Ball?"

"I'm also guessing a few other scandals involving the Madoffs and a several other stockbroker's wives didn't hurt," Lana sighed.

"Exactly," Mallory nodded. "Compared to those idiots I look like Little Mary Sunshine. To the public anyway."

"Because they have no idea you're a spy and half of the terrible things you've done," Archer groaned.

"I'm smart enough not to get caught!" Mallory snapped. "Or make a snuff film of me murdering my husband. Seriously, Millicent was a really twisted bitch."

"Praise from the master," Ray rolled his eyes.

"And remember Joan Wagner?" Mallory asked.

"The woman you pulled a gun on at that restaurant and she had some kind of heart attack?" Archer asked.

"No. I pulled the gun on a **waiter** because he wouldn't give me refills on drinks," Mallory corrected. "She's the one who had that experimental face surgery and her expression literally froze in place."

"Oh right," Archer remembered. "What about her?"

"Her company went bankrupt!" Mallory grinned. "Wasn't making any money at all! Her office had to close down! And all her young hip friends are deserting her little the teenage rats they are!"

"Oh dear God…" Lana realized. "Mallory you didn't!"

"Of course not!" Mallory protested. "I wish I did but unfortunately I had nothing to do with what happened to Joan or Millicent. Those were just very happy strokes of fate. As well as the actual stroke Harriet Hemplepool had last night. Which reminds me I need a new black dress for the funeral next week."

"I'm assuming you're disinviting us from that funeral," Archer said.

"You assume correctly you ass!" Mallory snapped. "After the mess you made at the Wainscott funeral there is no way I'm bringing you lunatics **near** another high society funeral! Especially you Krieger!"

"I put the body back," Krieger frowned.

"We all had to put the body back!" Cyril snapped. "Digging up a grave in the middle of the night was not exactly something I had on my bucket list!"

"Not on mine either but I'd be lying if I said I didn't consider it at one point or another," Archer shrugged.

"Why…?" Ray gave him a look.

"I went through a weird dark and brooding phase after I got kicked out of college," Archer admitted. "Saw the Rocky Horror Picture show and thought it would be cool to be a mad scientist or something. Wore all black. Got broody. Actually now that I think about it that's how my love of dark turtlenecks got started."

"When was **this**?" Mallory asked. "I don't remember that!"

"That's because you were partying overseas in some castle in France!" Archer snapped. "Completely missing my birthday! Which is another reason I went on the angst train for a while."

"I was only gone for three days!" Mallory snapped.

"Well by the time you got back I found your stash of LSD or whatever those pills were," Archer shrugged. "They were great with Scotch! Cleared the blues right up!"

"I never had any LSD pills…" Mallory blinked. "Where exactly did you find them?"

"In that pink pill case you kept in that Louie Vuitton handbag," Archer said.

"Those were Midol tablets!" Mallory snapped.

"Huh. I thought they helped me get rid of water retention," Archer blinked.

"Every time you two have one of these conversations so much gets explained," Lana groaned. "And so much more makes me worried."

"Me too," Ray admitted.

"Let's change the subject shall we?" Mallory groaned.

"Who was Harriet Hemplepool?" Pam asked.

"Oh she was just one of Bunny's cronies that followed her like a remora," Mallory waved. "No big loss."

"Was she one of the women that listened in on you threatening Krieger at the Tuntmore?" Pam asked.

"Yes," Mallory growled. "I hated her."

"Yeah and wasn't she like a huge supporter of Trudy Beekman too?" Cheryl asked.

"Oh how I hated Harriet…" Mallory growled. "Like I said her dying was just luck. Well not for Harriet. Considering how she ate anything fried three times a day every day of her life I'm amazed she didn't die sooner!"

"That doesn't mean anything," Pam shrugged. "I eat fried stuff all the time and I'm as healthy as a horse."

"A big Ol' Clydesdale that's ready for the glue factory!" Cheryl chirped. "Ooh I could so go for some glue right now."

"When do you **not** have a hankering for glue?" Pam asked.

"When do you **not** have a hankering for bear claws and cocaine?" Cheryl fired back.

"I haven't had cocaine for months and you know it!" Pam snapped.

"The point is that fortune has smiled on me and I intend to make the most of it," Mallory pressed on. "With some of my biggest obstacles out of the way I will climb back into the good graces of high society and reach its pinnacle."

"So glad you are using the misfortune and deaths of your friends as a second chance," Lana sighed.

"Third actually…" Mallory sighed. "There were a few incidents in the past. Now that I think about it technically this is my fourth chance."

"So what stupid scheme have you hatched this time?" Archer asked. "Are you going to invite this woman to another lame party?"

"Where someone will die," Cheryl added.

"A lame dinner party?" Archer went on.

"Where someone else will die," Cheryl went on.

"Another even lamer charity function?" Archer asked.

"Where someone will definitely die," Cheryl added. "Seriously, we all know that's going to happen."

"Not this time because you idiots aren't going anywhere **near** my social circle!" Mallory snapped. "I am going to this luncheon alone! Far away from all of you! It's worth it to close the office for a day! I swear I'm getting Moronitis just hanging around you lot!"

"Is that contagious?" Cheryl gasped. "Could I get it?"

"You're a carrier!" Mallory snapped. "They should quarantine you like they should have quarantined Typhoid Mary!"

"Just out of curiosity what exactly do people think you **do** for a living?" Lana asked Mallory.

"Besides any man you get your hands on," Ray quipped.

Mallory gave Ray a glare before taking a drink. "They think I run some kind of business office. Technically that's true. I just never explained what kind of business I run."

"Sometimes I'm not sure what kind of business you run," Cheryl said honestly. "I mean I know we're supposed to be a spy agency but a lot of time we just drink and screw around."

"Cheryl…That has to be the **most intelligent thing** I have **ever** heard you say," Mallory said. "Which means any further conversation with you is only going to go downhill. So just sit there and take notes. Because we're going to make up for tomorrow's lost day today!"

"Doing what?" Archer asked.

"Item One…" Mallory took out a list. To this everyone groaned. "Shut up! Item One is the office will be shut down and why. Which I just went over. So on to Item Two."

"Can we skip to Item Can We Go Home?" Archer groaned.

"No! Item Two…" Mallory pressed on. "Krieger! Have you made any new inventions so we can try and sell them to the CIA?"

"Was I supposed to do that?" Krieger blinked.

"That answers **that** question…" Mallory groaned. "Not that I was expecting anything much. Just a stab in the dark. Which is what I should do to you sometime."

"I have a glow in the dark switchblade!" Krieger suggested. "That could be fun!"

"What the hell would the CIA do with a glow in the dark switchblade?" Ray asked.

"They could use it to stab people at raves," Krieger explained.

"Krieger just…Try to come up with something!" Mallory grumbled. "Anything has got to be better than the Acoustic-Kitty debacle. Speaking of debacles that come out of Krieger's lab…Item Three! Krieger what the hell is wrong with that stupid toaster?"

"You mean Milton?" Krieger asked.

"No, I mean the **other** stupid toaster!" Mallory said sarcastically.

"Milton has a brother?" Cheryl asked.

"I was being sarcastic you…" Mallory fumed. "Why do I bother?"

"Beats the hell out of me," Cheryl said.

"Remind me to do that to you sometime in the future!" Mallory snapped.

"Swearsies-Realises?" Cheryl's eyes lit up.

"Right I forgot…" Mallory groaned as she took another drink. "The downside with employing a masochist is that you can't threaten them with violence."

"That is one of the perks," Cheryl added.

"Where was I?" Mallory grumbled.

"You're sitting right here in your office," Cheryl spoke up. "Reading over another stupid list while drinking and…"

"NOT LITTERALLY GLUE-ELLA DE-VIL!" Mallory shouted. "I swear to God one of these days I will burn this entire building to the ground…"

"When? Can we do it this weekend?" Cheryl asked excitedly.

"NO!" Everyone shouted.

"I forgot what I wanted to talk about next…" Mallory grumbled. "My brain cells are overloaded with Cheryl's stupidity."

"You said we could go home early," Archer spoke up.

"Nice try! But no!" Mallory snapped. "I…"

Just then Milton rolled in. The song 'Shake Rattle and Roll' blaring from the machine. " **That's** what I was going to talk about!" Mallory remembered. "Krieger why the hell did you turn this metal monstrosity into a rolling jukebox? As if it wasn't annoying enough!"

"Archer asked me to," Krieger said simply. Milton stopped playing music.

"Of course," Mallory sighed. "Sterling why…?"

"Who doesn't like music with their breakfast?" Archer asked. A pair of pop tarts popped from Milton. "Oooh! Snacks!"

"I'm not running an intelligence agency," Mallory put her head into her hands. "I'm running an **unintelligence agency**!"

"That kind of makes you stand out from the crowd doesn't it?" Pam said cheerfully. Mallory glared at her. "Hey! I'm just trying to put a positive spin on it!"

"I should spin you on some kind of torture wheel somewhere," Mallory growled.

"I think I have one of those in my basement," Cheryl spoke up.

"Hey! These are those toaster strudel things! Good!" Archer munched. "I like blueberry."

"Sterling you're getting crumbs all over your shirt and the carpet!" Mallory barked.

"We know, that's how you get ants," Lana groaned.

"I think we've gone beyond ants," Mallory grumbled. "Then again considering the lot of you are little more than human cockroaches I suppose ants would think they were slumming if they came here!"

"Wait since when are ants better than cockroaches?" Pam asked.

"Uh since like always?" Cheryl said.

"No way!" Pam snapped. "Cockroaches can survive a nuclear apocalypse like it's a mild rainstorm!"

"Yeah but ants can lift over ten times their own body weight," Cheryl said. "And they don't cause diseases."

"They do so!" Pam snapped back.

"Actually both species have very interesting…" Krieger began.

"STOP! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP BEFORE I SEVER YOUR VOCAL CORDS!" Mallory screamed. "I don't care! You idiots can have a debate on bugs on your own time!"

"I always thought the praying mantis was really scary," Archer spoke up. "I mean it eats the heads off of…"

"I SAID SHUT UP!" Mallory shouted. "No more bug talk! You people **bug me** enough! Especially you Sterling! Which leads me to Item Four!"

"Oh what did I do **now?** " Archer asked in an annoyed tone.

"More like who you've done now," Lana rolled her eyes.

"You are so jealous…" Archer began.

"HA!" Lana shouted back.

Mallory made a whistle to stop the argument. "Enough! Sterling! I have to say this again! Because you forgot the other dozen times I told you this! You are **not** allowed to bring dates into this agency! And especially not to Krieger's Lab!"

"That only happened one time!" Archer snapped.

"Several times!" Lana interrupted.

"A few times!" Archer protested.

"Twenty seven times!" Lana shouted.

"It was not **that** many!" Archer said.

"I could have sworn it was more," Ray remarked.

"Not recently!" Archer protested.

"It happened again yesterday afternoon!" Lana shouted.

"We didn't get into the lab!" Archer barked.

"Not for lack of trying," Lana grumbled.

"If I hadn't come along at the exact same time you stumbled into work who knows what damage that bimbo you brought in would have done!?" Mallory snapped. "It's bad enough she saw our secret elevator!"

"Not that big a secret," Pam rolled her eyes. "A lot of people saw that elevator over the years."

"Well she also saw the stairs when I literally and figuratively kicked her out," Mallory growled. "Sterling I don't even want to know where you found her!"

"Actually…" Archer began.

"I said I don't care! Item Five, I say this **again** because I want you to get this through your **thick skull** Sterling," Mallory growled. "DO NOT BRING RANDOM SKANKS OFF THE STREET INTO THIS BUILDING!"

"I almost never do that!" Archer protested.

Everyone groaned at that. "We you **not** listening not even five minutes ago when we went over your latest screw up?" Mallory shouted. "Which is not as bad as your other screw ups!"

"Again when…?" Archer asked.

"All the time!" Lana was exasperated.

"Not **all** the time!" Archer snapped.

"Yeah sometimes he hits on the women who actually **work here** ," Pam snorted. "But other than that yeah you do bring in a lot of strange women in here. And I mean strange."

"And that's **her** saying that," Ray pointed to Pam.

"Name one!" Archer barked.

"The name Valarie ring a bell?" Lana folded her arms.

"Was that before Portugal or after?" Archer asked.

"Before," Lana said.

"Oh right. That was how she was able to hack into our files so she knew about our mission there in the first place," Archer remembered.

"Corrine?" Lana added.

"Oh **her** …" Archer winced.

"Maxine," Lana added.

"Okay that was my bad…" Archer sighed.

"Karina…" Lana went on. "With a K. And a husband with a grudge."

"And a really big axe," Cyril groaned.

"Oh come on that wasn't my fault!" Archer shouted.

"Marie Louise," Mallory added.

"I said I'd pay for the rug!" Archer barked.

"You never did," Mallory glared at him.

"Alina," Lana went on.

"I had no idea she was a reporter!" Archer snapped.

"Fortunately thanks to Krieger's drugs she had no idea who **she was** after we got done with her," Mallory groaned.

"Cinnamon," Lana added.

"I had to bring her into work!" Archer barked. "Prostitutes of her caliber are expensive! I didn't want to waste money!"

"Not to mention an erection," Mallory grumbled.

"Andrea," Lana added.

"Not the one that worked here right?" Archer asked. "I mean I slept with that Andrea too but…"

"No, the **other one** that tried to set fire to my desk!" Lana snapped.

"Her I liked," Cheryl said cheerfully. "Didn't like the one who tried to steal my glue."

"I know. I had to pay her hospital bill to keep her from suing us!" Mallory glared.

"Bitches get stitches," Cheryl snapped.

"That girl you brought in who Cheryl attacked the time Cheryl thought she was a werewolf," Pam added.

"That **other** girl you brought in who OD'd on Krieger's breath strips and Cheryl's gummy bears," Ray added.

"That other-other girl you brought in who turned out to be some kind of radical environmental terrorist and tried to blow up the building," Krieger added. "But she got sick and died when she crawled into the air vents and one of my nerve gas canisters sprung a minor leak."

"And didn't that cost me a fortune to get the entire building aired out!" Mallory snapped.

"Yeah the smell of corpse and nerve gas combined is pretty much a turn off," Pam agreed.

Mallory groaned. "And it cost me another fortune because it turned out that not only the nerve gas didn't kill the cockroaches, they liked it!"

"And then one of the exterminators turned out to be a KGB assassin who accidentally got killed when she also overdosed on Krieger's breath strips," Pam remembered.

"That hooker you brought into work who turned out to be an assassin for the mob," Lana added.

"The **other hooker** you brought to your Mom's dinner party who we later discovered was actually a KGB assassin," Pam added.

"Not as much discovered is that Nicholai admitted it to me," Mallory groaned. "Katya!"

"The 'bachelorette party' you brought in who robbed our armory!" Lana added.

"Katya," Mallory added.

"You said Katya twice!" Archer barked.

"You brought her in **twice!** " Mallory snapped. "And out of the lot of them she was the worst!"

"I dunno," Pam said. "Other Andrea was a bit of a pill."

"And a racist," Lana grumbled.

"Since when do racists beat cyborgs?" Mallory asked.

"Since always!" Lana snapped.

"Unless the cyborg is also a racist," Pam added. "So yeah…"

"Let's move on to Item Six shall we?" Mallory went on. "You all remember Rodney Whosits? The douchebag who robbed our armory to go into business for himself? Well apparently he's now made the top ten of the CIA's Most Wanted Arms dealers list."

"Really?" Cyril blinked. "He's doing **that** well?"

"Number 8 with a bullet," Mallory groaned. "Which means if any of you see him put one in his brain! Hawley nearly shouted my ears off when he informed me about that."

"How did he know that asshole worked here in the first place?" Archer asked.

"You're kidding right?" Ray gave him a look. "Ms. Archer practically told them who worked here when they pretended to be the FBI and raided our office!"

"And what do you want to bet they just happened to skim over our personnel files and have copy somewhere?" Lana groaned. "As well as any other information we had in our files!"

"I'd forgotten they do that," Mallory groaned. "I should have known! Give the CIA an inch and they'd take twenty freaking miles!"

"You want to move on to Item Seven now?" Ray asked with a smirk.

"Desperately," Mallory sighed as she looked at her list. "Item Seven…Remember Hector Etreman?"

"Little wimpy guy that worked in accounting?" Archer asked. "What did he do?"

"Robbed thirteen banks and embezzled the accounting firm he joined after the agency got shut down," Mallory groaned. "FYI, Hawley knows about him working here too and…"

"Same as Item Six?" Lana asked.

"Pretty much yes," Mallory sighed.

"Ever get the feeling this agency has **created** more **criminals** than caught them?" Cyril groaned.

"That's pretty much how I've figured it," Ray admitted.

"Moving on to Item Eight," Mallory grumbled. "Sterling my bar needs to be restocked pretty soon. So restock it."

"Didn't you have that restocked like a week ago?" Archer asked. "No wait…That sounds about right. In fact it sounds a bit longer than usual."

"I know," Mallory sighed. "I'm way behind on my drinking."

"Can't be that far behind," Ray grumbled.

"I'd make a comment about you and behinds but honestly we're on a schedule here," Mallory glared at Ray. "Item Nine! Oh some good news! One of my old acquaintances Eleanor Fine was just arrested this morning. For the murder of her tennis instructor who she was having an affair with. Because he was having an affair with her daughter."

"Mallory that's horrible news!" Lana gasped.

"Not to me," Mallory said. "I always hated that bitch. Always looking down on me. She thought just because her family invented disposable cutlery she was better than everyone else."

"I know that name," Cheryl blinked. "Is she the one with that ugly ass vases in front of her hideous home on Park Avenue?"

"That's her," Mallory snorted.

"Good. My family never liked the Fines anyway," Cheryl snorted. "They always insulted us every chance they got! Called us a bunch of insane drugged out racist lunatics."

"Your family **is** a bunch of insane drugged out racist lunatics," Pam told her.

"Yeah but no one else is supposed to know that," Cheryl waved.

"Cheryl that's not exactly the best kept secret in New York," Archer snorted.

"Neither was Eleanor murdering the tennis instructor," Mallory groaned. "Who screams 'I'm killing you with your own racket you bastard' in front of the servants and doesn't even bother to pay them extra to cover up the body?"

"I'm guessing they turned her in because she was a cheapskate," Archer remarked.

"You guess correctly. You can't skimp on extras if you want to cover up a homicide! Anyone with a brain knows that! I should teach a class," Mallory folded her arms.

"How to get away with murder," Lana groaned.

"Isn't Viola Davis already teaching that?" Cheryl asked, clearly confused.

"Good news is with Ms. Not So Fine out of the picture, I might actually have a shot at getting back in a few clubs!" Mallory grinned. "I haven't had a week this good since we took over San Marcos."

"And you **took** **over** the wine cellar," Cyril gave her a look.

"It didn't even occur to you to send me a bottle or two of wine when I was locked up in prison?" Archer barked at his mother.

"Really? **That's** where you draw the line?" Ray asked.

"There's a lot of things about that time I'm still pissed about but yeah that's the big one," Archer barked.

"You were in time out!" Mallory shouted. "You needed to give your liver as well as your genitals a rest anyway!"

"Didn't work," Lana said. "Apparently not only did Juliana not only manage to bribe a few guards into giving them some wine, she and Archer screwed each other through the bars. When she wasn't screwing Calderon."

"Typical…" Mallory clicked her tongue. "Item Ten…"

"How many items do we have?" Archer asked.

"As many as **shut up and listen**!" Mallory snapped. "Item Ten. I know I've told you this before but I think I should remind you anyway. This is an intelligence agency. Which means I expect you to do **actual work** outside of gossiping, drinking, smoking and screwing around on my dollar!"

"You mean the CIA's dollar," Cyril corrected.

Mallory ignored that. "I need you idiots to do something, **anything** to prove that the CIA isn't completely wasting its money!"

"That's going to be a problem," Pam remarked.

"This agency seriously needs to start upping its game or we'll be thrown back out onto the street!" Mallory barked. "And we may end up having to sell drugs on the street for **real** this time!"

"I wouldn't recommend that," Cyril said. "Seeing as how we totally sucked at it."

"Hawley is always going on about our failed missions and our disasters like it's the only thing he can think about!" Mallory grumbled. "And don't get him **started** on all the money on repairs we wasted."

"Not to mention only a few days ago you had to replace the window because of one of Krieger's flying pigs," Lana remarked.

"That wasn't so hard," Mallory sighed. "I just said that someone who once worked here tried to kill us. They bought it."

"That happens to us a lot too," Pam realized.

"So in conclusion…" Mallory glared at them. "I need you to try and remember what you lot did **before** our agency went into a sharp decline into a cesspool of incompetence and ineptitude!"

"Uh…" Krieger blinked. "When was that again?"

"Wasn't this place **always** pathetic?" Cheryl asked.

"Pretty much," Archer said.

"I'm moving on to Item Eleven before I have the urge to slit my wrists," Mallory groaned. "Right after I slit your **throats!"**

"Yeah right," Pam scoffed. "Make this carpet and even bigger mess than it already is."

"Item Eleven," Mallory sighed. "DO **NOT** BRING IN PEOPLE IN OFF THE STREET INTO THIS BUILDING! IT'S A SECURITY RISK! THAT INCLUDES WHORES!"

"And that goes **double** for you missy!" She glared at Ray.

"Oh like I was ever dumb enough to bring any of my dates to this dump!" Ray protested.

Mallory began to say something but deflated. "You have a point. There are days I severely regret bringing Ron to the office."

"I'll bet Ron regrets coming here!" Archer snorted.

"I regret he ever had to meet **you lot!"** Mallory snapped.

"I'll bet he does too," Archer quipped. "Especially the day he got shot by the Yakuza."

"Item Twelve…" Mallory sighed. Just then the phone rang.

Everyone looked at Cheryl. "What?" She asked.

"I swear sometimes you're more trouble than your money is worth…" Mallory grumbled as she went to answer the phone.

"Sometimes?" Archer raised an eyebrow.

Mallory glared at him before speaking on the phone. "Hello? Oh…Catherine! How lovely to hear from you! I was just thinking…What? But…What do you mean you're **disinviting** me? Why?"

"Uh oh…" Ray groaned.

"I didn't call your daughter a whore!" Mallory gasped. "And I think I would remember kicking her down the…Oh. That was **your daughter**?"

"Oh right that girl's last name was Haines," Archer remembered.

"And here it comes," Cyril groaned.

"Well in my defense my idiot son does hang around a lot with…" Mallory protested. "How was I supposed to know **that?** "

"And here is where her luck turns," Lana commented.

"What do you mean by that comment? I do not have **that** kind of a reputation!" Mallory protested. "Trudy Beekman is a fat liar! If I can just explain…"

"Funny how often she says that," Cheryl snickered.

"Oh come on!" Mallory protested into the phone. "You can't believe anything Joan Wagner says! That woman exaggerates every little…What witnesses? I thought those pompous twits deserted her? Oh. I see."

Mallory was silent for a moment. "But…What? Where did you hear…? Let me explain…Well you know how that Wainscott woman is! Exaggerates every little…Oh. No I didn't know you were friends. I can explain! I have no control over…What? Oh **come on**! That was a misunderstanding! See my husband and I were having problems and we thought an open marriage…"

"WHY AM I EXPLAINING THIS TO YOU?" Mallory shouted into the phone. "Our marriage is none of your business! Oh really? Well let me tell you something you stuck up bitch, I wouldn't buy any of your so called beauty products if they had ingredients from the fountain of youth in them! Not that I need any of them…"

"Who's she kidding?" Cheryl snorted.

"And I stand by my comment that your daughter is a **whore!** " Mallory shouted. "From the way she was acting in that elevator and her manner of dress…I mean **undress** she certainly fits the description! I guess the apple doesn't fall that far from the tree! What do you **think** I mean by that comment?"

Mallory fumed. "Oh please! It's no secret that before you got married you were on your back more times than a mattress tester! And everyone **knows** about your husband's little affair with that perfume girl skank down at Niemen Marcus so you're in no position to criticize my marital affairs!"

"What do you mean **what** affair?" Mallory snapped into the phone. "The one where your husband has been carrying on for over a year. Yes. While you were in Australia. Well I suppose technically prostitution is a sort of business…Oh did I faux paus? Of course **everyone knows** about it here! Including your so called best friends! Yes, Trudy Beekman too! Who do you think told **me**?"

"Don't blame me for telling the truth!" Mallory snarled. "People who live in glass _whorehouses_ …Hello? Hello? The bitch hung up on me!" She slammed the phone down.

"Good news?" Cheryl said brightly.

"It will be for a divorce lawyer somewhere…" Mallory grumbled. "In case some of you haven't figured it out, which obviously at least a quarter of this room **hasn't** …I've just been disinvited from that bitch's party!"

"And possibly ruined her marriage," Lana said.

"Well every cloud has a silver lining," Pam said brightly.

"I'm guessing it has something to do with that girl I brought over the other day," Archer winced.

"How very perceptive!" Mallory snapped. "Not only did that little cry baby run to Mommy and whine about a few bruised ribs, a few of my other so called 'friends' stabbed me in the back!"

"Telling Mrs. Haines about your open marriage fiasco and the Wainscott funeral among other things," Lana deduced.

"Beekman's mouth went into overtime blabbing about that! And apparently Joan Wagner still has some friends in the arts and media who just happened to be there that night," Mallory groaned. "And not only backed up her story…One of those morons somehow got it on her damn cell phone!"

"You pulled a gun on a waiter and the person **recording it** was the **moron?** " Lana asked incredulously.

"You don't know Heidi," Mallory groaned. "Apparently since she has the memory retention of a goldfish on acid she's gotten into the habit of recording entire nights on a cell phone."

"I'm guessing that your status in high society is still as unstable as Jell-O in a blender?" Ray asked.

"If Trudy Beekman and Catherine Haines have their way it will be as unstable as Jell-O in a blender being held by Cheryl riding a mechanical bull," Mallory groaned. "While she's on a glue high."

"That was a fun Cinco De Mayo party," Cheryl remembered.

"Maybe you'll get a _fifth chance?"_ Pam said cheerfully. "We still get tomorrow off right?"

"What do you **think?** " Mallory snarled.

"Yes?" Pam asked hopefully. Mallory responded with a growl.


End file.
